Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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