Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
