I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
