My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
you will always have a special place in my vag
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
