I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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