forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
