Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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