The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
