Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
