he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
