Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
