i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
