She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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