Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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