I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
