life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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