I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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