I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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