Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
