Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
ttyl tear gas
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
