I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
