he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
