life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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