I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
