Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
