she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I am spending my child support on dildos
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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