Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
