If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
