I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist