Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
