I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character