I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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