Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
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We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
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Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.