just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
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I booty called her while she was in labor.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
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I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard