call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
