i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
