i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
i out mim tonsoeep
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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