I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
