Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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