My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
