I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
a search helicopter?!
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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