my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
