Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
