Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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