oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Randomize