I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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