you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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