Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
