I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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