you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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