and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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