just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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