My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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