Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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