I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
