you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
