he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
They took my balls.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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