I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
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