how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
