this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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