yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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