i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
