I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
