I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
