if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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